I am used to be a ‘fixer’ at home and literally almost everywhere. Oftentimes, to the point where I walked all day with no energy left. I feel like I automatically have to smooth things out… If there’s friction between my colleagues, I become that “friend” who brings everyone together, even just for a good press for one or two hours. And then, when I collapsed with all the responsibilities of a fixer, I started to question this “role” for myself. Then, just a year ago, I decided that I didn’t want to be a fixer anymore. And you may have guessed it. When I resigned from the fixer role, an uncomfortable phase followed. The problems don’t disappear, but my circle no longer has a particular person to absorb everyone’s anxiety. And there’s the point I learned about recognizing what actually belongs to me, and what belongs to them. I also just found out that I need to categorize which thing is a hard fact, which is a mere opinion, which is a “situation”, what I can do right here right now toward those facts/opinions/situations, and what I shouldn’t do.

Now, I started to see people, even those who are very close to me, with a patient eyes. No, I cannot fix everything for you now. And no, it’s not my reflex to say so. My first instinct is always: how can I help, how can I ease your trouble, how can I make you feel better or easier, even though I am already on the verge of collapsing myself. I have now learned to refrain from that very instinct. Not always successful, but I am walking a very different path now.

This is a strange path. I don’t know where exactly I’m heading, but I know I don’t regret those things I left behind. And somewhere in my heart, I think I am not alone to feel this way.

Karin Sabrina