You remind me of the weird genius, he said. I was like, ha? I know I am weird, but I am far from genius, what is weird genius?. Then he sent me a YouTube link of Weird Genius ft Sara Fajira song titled Lathi. It’s a song about toxic relationships.

I was quiet for a moment… A toxic relationship, well.. ya I did have that, more than enough, I assume. I listen to the song, it’s a cool song, and there are verses in Javanese, I write the translation in English as the following

Kowe ra iso mlayu saka kesalahan
'You cannot escape from mistakes.
Ajining diri ana ing lathi'
One's dignity lies on his tongue (his words)'

I heard some time ago, researchers conclude that humans, us, we are a very bad judge of ourselves. We may see easily what’s wrong with other people, but it’s really daunting task to assess ourselves. I think that’s what just happened to me. I think I am just fine. But the man who so close to me can see me that I am not “fine”. I assume I have healed from my previous toxic relationship, but this quiet man can see I still try to cover a bullet wound with a bandage, I know it won’t work, but still, I’m doing it. Who am I fooling with this other than myself?

Deep down inside, I wish to forgive and forget, and I know I try to do just that. I read on forgiveness, I write quotes about how bitter experiences will only make me realize the strength I have never have ( geessssshh… it sounds like too much Oprah), I meditate, I write gratitude notes, etc. But I probably forget that I need to give time… some time. I need to let the deep wound healed at its own time, and perhaps, along the process, I will always remember that this is a healing process. The bitter and sad experiences have been away for good now. I need not worry anymore. The realization that I am on my way to healing surely a good way to lift the mood and at the same time accept the harsh reality that the deep wound is still exist.

For you my dearest reader, who is currently taking care of your inexplicable wound at your heart.. please realize that everybody is hurt just like you. No need to post on social media that you’re bent but not broken, you’re strong, a survivor from … you name it…. My point is: Give time some time. You will be healed in time. Amen.

Cheers,

Karin Sabrina