Processing life experiences is hard… Particularly when one had a near death experience. I read that in Claire Nelson’s book, Things I learned from falling; A good book, the tagline: A must read true story of 2020 really suits it.

Soon after the life-changing experience, we were usually filled with gratitude, we thought we used up all of our time on earth, we probably think how stupid I am to die in such and such manner… but then by a lengthy chain of luck, were saved.

But that experience could be difficult to process. At least that’s how I feel. So I had a near death experience? Hmm… Twice I guess .. one when I gave birth to my first girl, lack of everything, and second when my ex husband strangled my neck. Even to write this, I felt a stab of cold in my heart. It’s not easy to admit your story to others ..

I don’t even know whether I had processed those experiences right. But perhaps… It’s a wrong notion of thinking. How will a person know whether s/he is processing her/ his experiences correctly?

A near death experience changed my way of seeing and thinking about everyone and everything around me. I admittedly became more aware of others ‘ intentions toward me. I found out that I am not going to take responsibility to heal others’unresolved trauma, I am not a rehab center. I feel liberation to choose myself first, to disappoint others, and not me.

But the old pattern of fear is hard to remove. As of today, I feel my anger resurface and I aim it at my husband. I can’t really point out what matters that invite my anger to come, but I guess from a lot of pressure I had. Too much of a burden and I’m too tired. I’ve got the flu too.

I am still here, I have my purpose, I have my goal, I am grateful for my colorful life. No need to understand everything, bit by bit is fine.

Cheers,

K Sabrina