I spend so much energy polishing my live for the eyes of others. The heaviest part of filing a divorce paper isn’t the court process—it’s the whisper in my head: *what will people say about me?* As if people weren’t already wrestling with their own private storms.

It’s not only about divorce. It’s in the little things too. I haven’t dyed my hair in seven years. My natural platinum ash-gray strands invite two kinds of reactions. One group gushes: *Oh my, what a highlight! Which salon did this intricate work?* The other group tilts their head: *You’re lucky. You’re confident enough to walk out with hair like that.*

Both miss the point. I don’t keep it natural to be brave or trendy. I keep it because I like it. Simple as that.

But then again… This social construct is a very expensive industry. The advertising industry has been whispering the same message into our ears for decades: *Buy this cream, and people will admire you. Wear this watch, and people will respect you. Drive this car, and even your haters will adore you.* Notice the framing? It’s always about how others will see you. Rarely, if ever, do they say: *choose this because it feels right for you.*

No wonder we internalize it. We learn to measure our choices through the imagined applause of others. That’s why someone can stay in a marriage that suffocates them—because society tells them it’s better to look polished than to admit that the marriage is not working anymore.

But here’s the truth: we do have choices. There’s no real punishment for not dyeing our hair, for not buying the expensive watch, for feeling content with less, for being confident even without the big capital capacity, and for walking out from a toxic relationship. The only “punishment” is the fear of disappointing the invisible audience.

And my dear, the most important question is not about them. It’s about you. When will you start living your messy, unruly life on your own terms?

Karin Sabrina